Tuesday, March 29, 2005

the grass is always greener

For the past week and a half, lots of visitors have been at our apartment complex from out of town. They came in for Easter, because Mexico seems to take a 2 week Easter holiday. Most of these people are quite wealthy, they drive fancy cars, have nice homes (in multiple locations, apparently) designer clothing, shoes and hats and bags that match each outfit...I am envious.

I am inside my house, cleaning up messes my kids have made, in frumpy sweat pants and a workout shirt because i am overweight and need to head to the gym. My kids are running crazy, wiping their snotty noses and dirty fingers on the windows, staring out at the rich people lounging by the pool. I notice a few women, perfect bodies, children with their nanny (hate that word...my family knows why, but I think au pair sounds a little uppity) on their cell phones in their bikinis w/ matching sarongs...looking so cute in their sun hats...i want to look cute in a sun hat...

A couple of nights ago, I venture outside (at night I am not forced to be seen in my swimsuit) to color easter eggs with a couple of neighbor children, although they all run to play with Annabelle and leave me alone with 2 of the mothers.

I talk to a woman, Elvira (pronounced like Velveeta without the first "v") She is so sweet. Speaks english, has one son, a husband, a nanny, a nice car and a very enviable camera. She is asking about my children. She loves my children, trying to talk to them each day that she sees them. She asks if I want more children. I smile and say, "Possibly, but not right now." For some reason I mention to her that I took a pregnancy test last week, because I was late and that's not like me, and I was feeling yuck. I told her that I was praying so desperately for it to be negative, and fortunately, it was.

She smiles. She says, "someday, when the time is right. You are very young, so young to have two babies already." I mention that I am 25, I just look younger. She thinks I am lucky...exactly what I was thinking about her as she lounged by the pool today. I ask her how many children she has. She only has the one, he is about 7 years old. She goes on to tell me that she has difficulty getting pregnant. With her son, she was on expensive medication before she got pregnant with him, and miscarried a second child shortly after he was born. She says, "We have decided, this year, we will try again. I will go back on the medication." She is 35.

I feel selfish. I never had to "try" for my children, they just came, when the time was right. Apparently I take after most of the fertile women in my family. My dad likes to joke that my brother CJ was born wearing a condom like a little hat. (sorry if that is indiscreet, but I think it is hilarious) Anyways, I don't know the heartache of losing a child that I desperately want. I don't know what it is like to have riches that still cannot buy the one thing that I desire, my child.

She envies me. Where I am seeing the money, the nice bodies, the fancy rich life and cameras, she sees the children, born to a young woman and man, fairly poor, but happy...full. She understands that the timing is not right for me, she sees me chase my kids from morning to night, trying to let them play, but keep them from the swimming pool, the driveway, other people's front doors and windows. She sees that I am tired. But yet, she still wants that.

I appreciate her openness with me, remember to say a prayer for her fertility tonight (she wants twins...I am praying harder) and another prayer of thankfulness, for my busy, chaotic, messy, but very very full life. I still would like the riches, but for now, I choose to be content.


At 3/30/2005 12:48 AM, Blogger Valerie Dykstra said...

Good blog. I liked the condom hat story. We are a fertile lot aren't we? When we thought I might be pregnant, we said "Gordon doesn't have swimmers, he's got jumpers." Turns out they are but mere swimmers. Hard on the ego, I'm sure.

At 3/30/2005 6:45 AM, Blogger amazing grace said...

Great entry. I love the way you wrote it...very captivating and lots to think about.

I relate more to the 35 year old woman at the pool--minus the $ riches.....

I have been thinking a lot about "the grass is always greener" lately...your blog entry gave me even more to chew on. Thanks!

p.s. loved your quote you gave me on my blog..."the world is but a canvas...." that might be a keeper! we'll see......


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