Thursday, January 12, 2006

Mindi Downer

So, this may be kind of a downer, so skip over it if you wish.

I feel like lately I have chosen to feed off of negativity. I love gossip at work. I spread lots of the gossip at work (not like make up lies and stuff, but I tell what I hear) I don't remember ever being like that (to this degree, i mean most girls are a tad gossipy, right?)

Anyways, I have been dealing a bit with depression for the past few months, and although I can't pinpoint one thing and say, THIS, this is what is wrong with me, I can pinpoint small things that certainly don't help the situation.

I like to hear the juicy stuff. The mean, catty, girl stuff. I like to see people that I don't particular care for have a hard time. It makes me feel better about my own hard times. I feel pretty crappy saying that for you all to read, but I would rather be honest than perfect. And since I am way off the mark in the perfect department, honest it is ;)

Anyways, I just realized it yesterday, as I was sharing something stupid with somebody else, and I realized that I never share fun stuff. I mean, we talk silly about movies and people and things we like, but I never share my passions. Things I love, things that make me truly happy. I don't really even ask about others true passions and interests and happy making things. That makes me so sad. It is not who I am, but I am afraid that it is what I will be known for, and I certainly don't want that. That is no legacy.

And I feel like that snowballs into bigger things. I feel achy and tired and sore all the time. I don't do tons of heavy lifting or anything at work (though I do some) but not enough to make me feel like an elephant has stepped all over my neck and shoulders. That's pure stress baby. Stress from being on the hunt for more negativity. Looking for weaknesses in others. Trying to hide the weaknesses in myself.

And that stress and achiness and fatigue keeps me from wanting to play with the kids, go anywhere fun, workout to feel better, have long sweet talks with my husband. All I want to do is rest. And I never feel rested.

And not doing the things I love, the things that I am passionate about, the things that will make me feel better, leads me deeper into depression. Because what is life, afterall, if you aren't living it? Not much.

So I think it's time to change that. I have to change this liking for negativity. It's not fun, it just makes me feel better (momentarily) about myself. I want to be known for my happiness. My ability to make others feel better about themselves. My loyalty and my friendship and my love for life and my family and my God. I'm hoping that posting this on here will keep me a bit more accountable.

I was trying to come up with a theme for 2006. Something to motivate and inspire me. Something to keep me going when all I want to do is sleep or run away. And this song, this lovely, crazy song that Waterdeep covered (original by Tom Petty) Called Two Gunslingers kept running through my head as I was writing. I'm takin control of my life....I'm taking control of my life now. Right Now. Oh yeah. It is just so wonderful and inspiring and it runs through my head all the time. Seriously. All the time. It's become my mantra. The whole theme of my life as it currently is. And Lori Chaffer (of Waterdeep) just rocks it. Very nice. :)

So anyway, there you go. You probably all think I need mental help now, and I probably do. But I'm trying to work on that part. And since I can't seem to post anything without adding a picture, here is a rare one of me. Just me right now. Trying really hard not to say anything negative about it ;)


At 1/12/2006 9:01 AM, Blogger Kara said...

Thank you for your honesty. I will be praying for you as well as for me to be able to be that honest about the things that I struggle with and be that open to wanting to be different. Great picture of you too by the way. Maybe one of these days, you'll read my heart as well. Hopefully that day will come sooner than later.:)

At 1/12/2006 9:13 AM, Blogger Kara said...

Just a verse for you that helped me this morning as I was reading in Isaiah. 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

At 1/12/2006 6:48 PM, Blogger Valerie Dykstra said...

Mindi, that settles it! You are the baddest person I know!!!! But that aside, your lips look lusciously beautiful. I think you are beautiful, inside and out.

At 1/13/2006 4:12 PM, Blogger Jamie said...

Hey! I love your honesty in this post. I just read this in My Utmost for His Highest the other day and thought you might like it too...
"Our yesterdays hold broken and irreversible things for us. It is true that we have lost opportunities that will never return (how's that for a gets better!:), but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past rest, but let it rest in the sweet embrace of Christ. ~*Oswald Chambers
Keep smiling! :)

At 1/13/2006 11:56 PM, Blogger Mi'Chelle said...

Alrighty then...I totally hear you.

I get really caught up in being angry with people. Very angry and judgemental. And it's poison. It's so good to realize the things that are bringing you down in life. Cool goal. I wish you luck!

And, by the way, nice picture. I want to be you.

At 1/14/2006 8:44 AM, Blogger said...

i think this is great and so glad you are conscious of who you are...

ps, i am going to go download that song in a few minutes. i love it. thank you!

i understand the aspect of enjoying gossip and sometime i have to really catch myself cuz it is horrible but so easy to do.. wish u the best with this

ps. have i told you how gorgeous you are? dustin is so lucky


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