Mindi Downer

So, this may be kind of a downer, so skip over it if you wish.

I feel like lately I have chosen to feed off of negativity. I love gossip at work. I spread lots of the gossip at work (not like make up lies and stuff, but I tell what I hear) I don't remember ever being like that (to this degree, i mean most girls are a tad gossipy, right?)

Anyways, I have been dealing a bit with depression for the past few months, and although I can't pinpoint one thing and say, THIS, this is what is wrong with me, I can pinpoint small things that certainly don't help the situation.

I like to hear the juicy stuff. The mean, catty, girl stuff. I like to see people that I don't particular care for have a hard time. It makes me feel better about my own hard times. I feel pretty crappy saying that for you all to read, but I would rather be honest than perfect. And since I am way off the mark in the perfect department, honest it is ;)

Anyways, I just realized it yesterday, as I was sharing something stupid with somebody else, and I realized that I never share fun stuff. I mean, we talk silly about movies and people and things we like, but I never share my passions. Things I love, things that make me truly happy. I don't really even ask about others true passions and interests and happy making things. That makes me so sad. It is not who I am, but I am afraid that it is what I will be known for, and I certainly don't want that. That is no legacy.

And I feel like that snowballs into bigger things. I feel achy and tired and sore all the time. I don't do tons of heavy lifting or anything at work (though I do some) but not enough to make me feel like an elephant has stepped all over my neck and shoulders. That's pure stress baby. Stress from being on the hunt for more negativity. Looking for weaknesses in others. Trying to hide the weaknesses in myself.

And that stress and achiness and fatigue keeps me from wanting to play with the kids, go anywhere fun, workout to feel better, have long sweet talks with my husband. All I want to do is rest. And I never feel rested.

And not doing the things I love, the things that I am passionate about, the things that will make me feel better, leads me deeper into depression. Because what is life, afterall, if you aren't living it? Not much.

So I think it's time to change that. I have to change this liking for negativity. It's not fun, it just makes me feel better (momentarily) about myself. I want to be known for my happiness. My ability to make others feel better about themselves. My loyalty and my friendship and my love for life and my family and my God. I'm hoping that posting this on here will keep me a bit more accountable.

I was trying to come up with a theme for 2006. Something to motivate and inspire me. Something to keep me going when all I want to do is sleep or run away. And this song, this lovely, crazy song that Waterdeep covered (original by Tom Petty) Called Two Gunslingers kept running through my head as I was writing. I'm takin control of my life....I'm taking control of my life now. Right Now. Oh yeah. It is just so wonderful and inspiring and it runs through my head all the time. Seriously. All the time. It's become my mantra. The whole theme of my life as it currently is. And Lori Chaffer (of Waterdeep) just rocks it. Very nice. :)

So anyway, there you go. You probably all think I need mental help now, and I probably do. But I'm trying to work on that part. And since I can't seem to post anything without adding a picture, here is a rare one of me. Just me right now. Trying really hard not to say anything negative about it ;)

posted by mindi11 @ 1/12/2006 12:39:00 AM